You know, it's been a long time .. I thought I was clean from all the resentment that I have, but I guess, it takes longer to heal that I ever imagine.
Everytime I hear the voice and come across the name, this hatred and pain inside me emerges, I say to myself, I'm okay, but am I really? The question that unfortunately until now, there's no absolute answer.
It's been a little over 3 months since I posted something on this blog.
A lot have happened and changed, I'm no longer struggling about NS, since it's official that I'm not liable for NS, Praise to God!!
As a person, I have changed also, I've become wiser and more mature in my actions.
I've learned to let go of a broken friendship and I've become happier because of it.
I had my first job, a very memorable one.
A lot of positive things are happening to me, although I'm still struggling with certain issues, but overall I am happy.
There were moments when I was hiatus from this blog that I felt like I fell to another black hole, I've stepped in to another dark moments, but once I got out, it felt more wonderful.
Praise to God for giving me this happiness, Thank You God! Thank You God!
Tonight, I finally realized I've lost someone that I thought was my best friend. I've never felt so close to anybody,but I was paying prices that I should've never paid. Tonight, all of that has finally ended, he's pulling himself out of our life and for the first time I don't feel guilty at all. People say if you lose something, God will return it with something else better. Tonight, I've lost someone but I gained someone. I think, for the first time, I finally understand what "Best Friend" means ... God has given me that best friend that I always wanted, but I was too blind to see. Now, my eyes have been opened and I've seen it ... For the first time in my entire life, I've made a connection, emotionally that made me understand who is friend and who is foe, and I'm glad I don't have to spent another day not believing if best friend is real .. Thank you God and thank you my best friend ...
I can't hold it much longer, I need a place where I can just take off the mask and tell the voice within ...
For about years now I've been struggling with a lot of things, from weight problem to friendship problem, and the one thing that I struggle the most nowadays has been about national service.
For years now, I have made sacrifices just to make other people happy, and from times to times it's been me who, in the end, cry ...
When everyone asks me whether I'm going to go for ns or not, my answer has always been "NO", because there are two things that I hate in this world, and one of them is military. Being in ns means military related service, I hate it and disgusted about it. I give them such simple answer but no one seems to understand a word I'm saying. And once again, I'm sacrificing my believe by registering for ns, not that I have done that, but very soon, I will, thanks to my folks who don't really give me a positive effect if I drop my status as PR.
Last night, all I could do is cry, and it's the time again where I'm sure I'm entering early stage of depression. I'm still struggling with a lot of things and then come this problem that is pressurising me ...
I don't know what I should do, I don't know what my future has for me, I don't know what God's plan for me .. I don't know anything and this is the voice within ..
It's been a long time, and a lot has happened, from ups to downs, from tears to smiles, I was there.
It's funny really, how my tears has turned into smiles more than it ever has. One person and one person only has done that to me and I believe that person will stick with me.I was walking in the shadow
In this big, dark, hurtful road
yet I was thinking
There's no light for me
I was drowning in tears
these bitter tears
yet I was thinking
There's no help for me
But one day,
and one day only
this darkness turns into light
this tears turn into smiles
There's hope for me
There's an angel that has been reaching my arm
Pulling me out of these painful world
and take me to the world I've never knew
Thank you God
for sending her
Thank you God
for answering my prayers
Have you ever felt that you miss someone, and you actually meet that person almost everyday? Well, I have and that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I miss a person whom I consider very close.
I miss him, a close friend who has time to hang out outside the school, a close friend who always call me every night to chat, a close friend who is there for me. All of that stuffs that I like about him have gone almost entirely, the ironic thing is, we haven't even graduated yet, but it's almost feel like we are already living in two different worlds.
Everyday I pray to God, to bring him back, the old him, the old close friend that I can rely on. For now, God hasn't answer my prayer yet, but I hope someday, one day, God will answer my prayer and he'll be back, we'll be back, and we'll have fun again like old time. At least for one day, I want feel like old time again, because I think he's unlikely to keep in touch with me again. So God, at least just one day.
I already miss him a lot, well we're not a couple, but he's my closest friend ever, and I'm feeling that we're growing apart, and I'm afraid that we're growing to far apart ...
I was blog walking yesterday, and I came to a blog of my dear friend. He was posting about, how his "best friend" had disappointed him. And then, we were chatting online, and I started talking about his problem, because believe it or not, I had the same problem as his. He said, it happened three years ago, and they're okay now, they're back as best friend, and his friend actually said that my friend is the best friend he ever had. and I was like .. how lucky
I had the same problem, but it doesn't turn out the way it turned out for my friend. I was a little jealous, because he has what I always want. I guess after what happened to me about this matter, I've arrived on a hypothesis, maybe there's no such thing as the term "True Friends".
You know, I really have a big problem on letting go. I've been betrayed by the same "best friend ever" for quite sometime without even him realizing it, and for that, I paid the price and I'm still paying, because I just wouldn't let go. I'm afraid that nobody would want to be as close to me as he is. I'm afraid of being lonely, so I just keep paying the price again and again and don't know how or when to stop.
I guess, all of that have pushed me to create this world , a world where everything runs the way I want it, no pain ... no betrayal .. no sad tears .. I just don't think if it will become a reality. Perhaps God has a different plan for me and I guess I either have to wait or search for it.
For now, I just need a friend, just a friend that I can really call "True Friend", let me prove that my hypothesis is wrong. Just let me have that feeling of somebody is there for me ...
Today was the last day of National Exam. I'm quite relieved about it, but on the other hand, I'm still worried about my math test result. Hope I'm doing good.
The math test was actually conducted yesterday, and I was upset and worry about it, because I didn't think I lived to the expectation that people have on me. I cried because of it, afraid of disappointing every one who has faith in me. I prayed to God while I was crying, and last night, I think God gave me something that will at least put this matter aside for a moment and leave it all to God as long as I have done what I could.
I thank God for everything, for helping on the preparation and the exam. I know that God will give me the best for me and for everyone, because that is what I'm praying for.--"God, I've done my best, so please give me the best."--
Writing has been a big part of my life. It's the first
thing that I want to do when something is happening.