by Evanescence

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no


*somehow this is what i feel most of the time when i'm around "these people" that i call my close ......

Happy Halloween !

actually this update has nothing to do with halloween, but since it's Halloween, so i call this update "Halloween Update"

tired ... tired ... today was really a busy day for me, i've started continuing my thesis on global warming which is due this November, so the night before i had to watch "An Inconvenient Truth : Global Warming" which all of you HAVE TO WATCH, and it was really late, but at least i got to watch it at Vivo City ..

so, after i continue on my thesis, i went to IKEA with my brother, my mother, and her friend. I bought a few stuffs that i called "Storage Decorative Thingy", because i really need lots of storage right now, i also bought new decorative stuffs, everything for my bedroom, so an hour ago, i just finished rearrange all the stuffs in my room including bed, desk, etc ..

and then i thought, if i got my bedroom a mini make over, then i have to give my blog a makeover too, so in the near future, expect some changes here, maybe not tomorrow though since usually it takes me quite a long time to make a layout, i'm a perfectionist, so it's kinda hard ..

one more thing, i've come up with a lot of "web names" that i used like dknown, evander .. *Rid is my nickname and not web name* .. but then, a lot of people have used my web name, so i thought this time i'm going to use someone else's name for my web name, in this case, i've chosen "Evanescence" taken from a group band by the same name, this word means the act of disappearing, why i chose that name ? just guess ...

i'm bored right now, so i decided to write a little update of what's been happening these past days or maybe even weeks, here it goes :

1. It's been quite lonely, most of my friends has gone back to Indonesia for Eid ul-Fitr, and as usual my family has decided we're not going back .. again ..
2. I've been trying to find a song called "Everybody Cries" by Liberty X, and still i haven't found it, so if you have one, please pm me ..
3. I have to finish my thesis on global warming which is due this November, but i don't really feel like doing it so instead i'm creating a fun-filled theme park, a roller coaster tycoon game that is ..
   
4. I've been trying to upgrade my Directx 9.0b to 9.0c, somehow i can't install it, i've tried a bizillion ways, yet still no result, please help me ..
5. My favorite song right now is "No Promises" by Shane Ward, it's amazing, i love the concept of the video, and the song is amazing, i'm lovin' it ..
6. I'm in the middle of reading a 'forensic' novel titled "Malicious Intent" by Kathryn Fox, it's simply thrilling from the start to the end, it's hard for me to put down the book, good job Kathryn ..
7. So, today is the last day of fasting month for this Ramadan, as usual i have to get ready for 'text messaging' ..

anyway, that's all for now and i wish all the Moslems in the world a very happy Eid al-Fitr

i was listening to Hilary Duff's album and then i came across this song called "shine" ..

so, i remembered the time when i felt so jealous to Lizzie McGuire (played by Hilary Duff) because she has what i call 'perfect friendship', she has two best friends, Gordon and Miranda, they always hang out together, do stuff together .. and i remembered wishing that i was Lizzie .. sound stupid but that's what i want ..

anyway, here's part of "Shine" lyric that really show what i want from my close friends :

the words that i choose ..

people seems to read and understand it differently ..
people like to think, that it's such a big deal ..
sometimes they right, but most of the time ..
not quite ..

it happens to me all the time, when i write something, people tend to think it's such a big deal or even think the opposite of what it supposed to mean. Like, when i changed my msn messenger's display name to .. hmm .. for example .. "do you realize, i'm the one who always say hi to you first?" (actually, i wrote it in Indonesian), most of my friend thought that it was for a girl and so, they assumed i was in relationship, they kept asking me who's the "lucky girl", and i was like .. what?? .. boy oh boy, they got it all wrong, the question is actually for my close friend who is a male not female. One day i was posting a thread in a forum asking for advises, and all of them suggested that i go to therapist, and i was like .. what?? .. it was not that serious, i wasn't even depressed, i mean .. Oh My God .. why did they think it was that serious ..

well, the thing is .. i like to play with words, sometimes it doesn't even make sense, but i like being mysterious with my words, so be careful, next time ... just ask me ..

it's been days since the last time i visited TeenHelp forum (http://www.teenhelp.org), as usual i search for teens that i can help by advising them, but then I noticed something .. i've never tried advising teens who cut/hurt themselves as i don't understand why they do that, so i started a thread asking an explanation of this "depression trend" ..

from the answers that i got, i've concluded that there's no exact explanation but one of them said:

tiga tanda utama sirnanya tali persahabatan, yaitu :

1. tidak pernah menanyakan kabar atau megucapkan "hi!" sekalipun
2. tidak ada waktu untuk bersama lagi
3. tanda ini adalah puncak sirnanya persahabatan, yaitu ... ketika kita merasa ataupun sadar bahwa ada jarak dengan sahabat kita

tiga hal yang memang kelihatan sepele, namun untuk orang yang introvert seperti aku, terasa sekali bedanya, bahkan sejak munculnya salah satu tanda. Untuk orang yang memiliki tingkat extrovert tinggi, ketiga tanda ini sangat sulit untuk dimengerti, hingga akhirnya sahabat hanya menjadi teman dan kembali menjadi orang yang dikenal saja, yang lebih sedih lagi, ketika mereka masih tidak menyadari, mereka sudah kehilangan seorang sahabat ...

things have changed between us ...

what i do ...
what i say ...
what i write ...
and what i think ...

are wrong in your eyes ...

i don't know what else i can do ...
and say ...
and write ...
and think ...

there's only one question that remained in my heart
"what did i do to deserve this ?"

i wish i could let you go ...
i really wish i could ...
dear my best friend ...

i know that you're my best friend ...
yet you don't like me ...

the time that we've spent together ...
it went by without memories ...

i know that i've given you too much advises ...
but i just want to let you know ...
that i care and obviously ...
i'm worried about you ...

i want you to forgive me ...
for the the things that i've done ...
for being overprotective ...

i wish i could say everything that i've written here ...
but i know i have no strength to do it ...
because i know ...
you'll hate me even more ...

i wish i could ...
i really wish i could ...

ever wondered what will happen after graduating from high school ...

it happens to me a lot, especially now, i'm in my last year in High School ...

i always wonder ... about my relationship with all my friend and best friend ..

will i ever have fight with my 'big brother' again?
will i ever hear their laughter again?
will i ever see them again ?

no one can really tell if we will meet each other again, probably my 'big brother' will be too busy to hang out with ... my other friends, they'll be in Indonesia ... and once again i'll start from scratch, i have to find friends and new 'big brother/sister' ...

i thought i'll be ready to reveal my observation of what will happen after graduation, but i guess .. i won't do it .. i'll let it happen even though it's a hard thing to do ..

It's been a long time ..

a lot has happened these past weeks, sometime it made want to write but there were no words that could express what happened ..

as usual, i went blog walking today, i've read the funniest entry my friend has ever written, because i believe that he is confused by the word 'lonely' .. i won't say name though ..

so, fasting month has come and today is the 5th day of fasting .. i was a little tired than the other days and i have ( still am ) this feeling of *arghhh* to someone .. and i had to contol it when i was fasting .. God, it's hard ..

I am just me, I don't know how to describe myself. You just have to be close tome me to know me.

Writing has been a big part of my life. It's the first thing that I want to do when something is happening.

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